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." My words trailed off, remembering last night's dinner, the distracted conversation, the DVR shows Mitch and I had watched that I couldn't recall, my brain occupied by yesterday's events. Tossing and turning all night as Mitch snored, blissfully unaware of what his proper wife had been up to that day. Oddly disturbing dreams that had woken me and vanished. I couldn't tell her, couldn't explain how the things she’d made me do had affected me, how the shame and desire had thrilled me, how exciting and terrifying it had been. I had been both afraid and elated when Dana had agreed to take me under her wing, agreeing in desperation to do whatever she said. How could I describe how I'd felt to her? She'd lived so fully and I only...existed. How could I tell her how it had affected me to do her bidding, to lose myself in pursuit of my future self? I could barely understand the attraction I felt, how drawn to her I was, drawn to her life, pulled in like a moth to flame. Some kind of animal. My empty school bag could hold about six or seven of the books I wanted.She parked and went in with me to the counter, where I showed my card and was allowed in.Mom lingered at the counter while I went to the stacks and stacks of books they had and fifteen minutes later, I had a stack of nine books.The library worker took a look and said, “My, what a diverse set of books. Do you have a school project?”“NO ma’am, I’ve always wanted to read these books, for fun?”They included, 1984, by George OrwellCrime and Punishment, by DostoyevskyA Brave New World, by Aldous HuxleyThe Great Gatsby, by F. Scott FitzgeraldLolita, by Vladimir NabokovMy mother looked at me, and said, “You do know the plot of this, already?”“Yeah, Mom ... an old man falls in love with a twelve-year-old girl. It could help me understand the machinations of the women in my family; you know the ones my age.”The Library Lady and my mother shared a look, but neither of them told me I couldn’t take home the book.The last.
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